Al Qaeda Brother On the Loose in America

Government Officials have identified a man they believe is the brother of Mohammed Omar Khalid (pictured, right), a captured Al Qeada leader. FBI and CIA operatives have been tracking his movements for the past year, but have recenlty been unable to account for his whereabouts. They have become increasingly worried that there is some type of plotting going on due to the increased amount of radio "chatter" and recent threats reported on Al Qeada affiliated web sites.
The terror threat level has yet to be raised, but there is speculation that if Jaffari Azyeras Khalid is not captured or located within the next week, the terror threat level could be raised to red, a level not yet seen by the American people. This could lead to massive chaos and panic in the streets, but state officials have been quoted as saying the fear of Americans will not cause any undue problems.
One of the latest pictures of Jaffari was while he was in an Afgani Training camp(left). While his older brother, Mohammad was serving as a high ranking official with Al Qeada, Jaffari became a violent and well trained soldier and mercenary. He has outstanding warrants in 12 countries and is being sought for questioning in over 100 different crimes against humanity. While he remains on the lamb, FBI and CIA are searching frantically for any sign of where he might be. It is known that he holds over 15 different passports and has assumed countless aliases. His escapability and elusiveness have have kept him a step ahead of police for years. The dangers he poses and the immediacy with which he needs to be located have led officials to release an otherwise highly confidencial photo of Jaffari to the public.


If you have any information pertaining to the whereabouts of this man, please contact police or emergency services immediately. He is likely armed and is undoubtably dangerous. Please use extreme caution if you find yourself in his presence.

Immigration: The Story of a True Survivor

Many people think Mexicans seek entrance to the United States for money and the ambition of prosperity. However, I was able to catch up with an illegal Mexican Immigrant(which was not easy) and get his thoughts and opinions on what coming to the States is really all about....beef tacos.
Jose El Salvadores has made the trip from Mexico to the US a number of times. As a child his father showed him the art of stuffing ones self into the trunk of a car. This was a tactic specifically for younger kids who could fit 4x4 into the small confines of his father's 1959 Chevy Impala. On his first trip to America, his father introduced him to men who could provide him with a fake passport and a greencard, documents that are vital to surviving for non-citizens in America. However, before Jose was able to secure his own documents, he was discovered by an immigration officer and promptly deported back to his native Cuidad Juarez, Mexico. Shirtless, moniless, and hungry, he was forced back home without his father.

As soon as he stepped foot in his adobe, Jose was already plotting a return trip to America. But, this time he declared, he would not be captured and sent back to his mudhut, where his bed was the dirt his mother planted corn in and his sheets were the burlap the corn was sent out in. His plan would have to be fool proof and he would need some additional resouces in order to ensure a safe trip.

A few years later he was ready to act on his dream of putting beef and lettuce in his tacos rather than the corn and beans he had lived with for years. This time he would not be denied. There was just one problem, he was too big to fit into the trunk of the car. Some friends of his were plotting their own escape and offered him the opportunity to tag along. They would have to do this the old fashion way, "arriba y sobre" as it was known in Jose's culture. "Up and over" to those english speakers. After they made it across the fence they were surprised to see an immigration officer waiting for them. Jose was sure he had been set up by his friend who had always made fun of him for being caught earlier in his life. It seemed as if this trip to the states was going to end before it began. However, for Jose, the scent of beef and lettuce was too strong and he had long vowed that he would not be denied. So, he decided to make a break for it. He ran with with every ounce of Mexican energy that bean and corn tacos could provide. His efforts were not in vain as he was able to loose the older and less fleet of foot guard that had been pursuing him. After a few miles of hard running and walking he stumbled on a shipping warehouse where he was able to steal a fresh pair of sweats and some glasses. These items would prove to be vital in his shurking of the law. The rest of his buddies had been captured and would no doubt give a detailed description of him in order to avoid torture by the Federalis.

Once he was settled, he began looking both for his father and the greencard/passport man. It would be a long and hard struggle as he was unable to locate either of them. His resouces were few and his funds even fewer. He took meanial jobs just to eat and began making his way north toward the mountains of Colorado. He was able to secure a job as a grounds keeper at a local ski resort, but it was short lived because of the strict Colorado immigration policy and his lack of a greencard or a passport. His ignorance of weather patterns was also a problem and his lack of clothes left him in no shape to handle the elements. Not too long thereafter, he was informed that his sister was getting married. In his family, when one weds, members of the family are supposed to provide lavish gifts for one another. However, Jose was in the financial doldrums and was barely able to come up with the funds for his return trip. The only way around this problem was to act on the advice his father gave him many years ago. "If you ever need to get back to Mexico in a hurry, turn yourself in to INS. Jose struggled with this because deep down, he felt he was on the verge of establishing himself in the US, and if he left, there is no guaruntee that he would get to come back. He knew that he could not miss his sisters wedding, so he turned himself in and took the bus back to his home town.

The sweet taste of beef filled tacos still overwhelmed Jose that he was determined to go back to the states for good this time. There was only one way he knew for sure that he could make this happen and make it permanent. He had to do it the legal way. Since he had been in the states, he picked up a good amount of english and was therefore able to fill out the applications for his sister and her husband as well as himself. He knew it was a long shot for all of them to be granted admission to the states, but after having some of the friends he made back in Colorado pull some strings, they were all granted permission to move to the US. Jose and the rest of the El Salvadorians were moving to the US and the dream of beef filled tacos for life was finally becoming a reality.
Some people think crossing the border is all about jobs and money. Well, ask Jose, one of Americas newest citizens what he thinks and he'll tell you..."its all about more beef in the taco".

Cocaine's a Helluva Drug

John Belushi's Love Child?!?!

Most of you know the late Comedian John Belushi but what is unknown is the fact that he may indeed have a son and I am on a mission to find out. My story begins in 1976. My mother, an avid traveler, would visit this fine city quite frequently. Whenever she was in town she would make it a point to see SNL live. She was a big comedy fan and this was her favorite show. Every now and again she would regail us with tales from her nights in the clubs and bars around town and tell us stories of some of the famous actors she would meet. In particular she told us how she met many of the cast members from SNL at the Odeon Bar in New york and how she would party till the wee hours of the morning, many times with her favorite(you guessed it)John Belushi. This went on until 1978, which coincedently is the year my brother was born. Of course at this time I was a small child and knew none of this but as we grew up I began to notice more and more of the differences between us. Not only did we look different but we barely favored each other and the un-similarities did not end there but even our mannerisms were totally different. While in high school his nickname was Belush and I never understood why my mother thought this was so cute. I mean, your nicknamed after a guy who died of a drug overdose. But still, I never suspected anything was amiss until after our mother passed away a few years ago. While going through her things I came accross a letter. A letter from my mother to Mr. Belushi. A very personal letter which I cannot post here for obvious legal and family reasons but lets just say all the pieces of this mystery finally came together. When I confronted my brother about this he thought it was all a big joke and as much as I tried to convince him, he just wouldnt believe it. I finally have him talked into DNA testing but he says he wont pay a penny for it and that if I believe its true then I should pay for it. I can imagine its painful to find out that your dad really isnt your dad but hey, at least it might be John Belushi. How cool is that. The only son of a Comic Legend and your uncle is Jim Belushi. Look at the pictures below, I think they speak for themselves, but you be the judge.

The shocking similarities between these two men is just uncanny and we understand if this is too much for some to handle. However, we are asking for full cooperation on the part of anyone with any information that can help this search. A DNA test is still dependant upon whether or not my the family of Mr. Belushi will submit to the testing. Please help my brother find his real father. Our family is all but assured, but my brother is still scared to let go of the idea that his father is who he thinks he is. We know that the transition for him will be tough, but the sooner we can confirm it, the sooner he will recover. Stay tuned for updates and let us know if there is anything you can do to help.

View Shocking Details of another knarly tale right here: http://bigfootfoundgoesongayrampage.blogspot.com/

Nutbags from the Corner

When you look at the corner of 91st and 1st Ave in the Upper East side of Manhattan there are a few things you might notice. First things first...There is always a Pidgeon slayer lurking in the shadows of the emmense scafolding that covers the side of old P.S. 555. After the sun goes down it is extremely scary to see this warrior staking out his prey. His weapon...A bamboo shoot stuffed with formaldehyde soaked darts. Those of you who know about formaldehyde are asking, "why would this pidgeon slayer lace darts with emabalming fluid?" To this I respond, "Good Question!".
A few theories are often floated around coffee shops and pizza holes throughout the neighborhood. The most common of course is that in his intricate plot of debachery, he embalms the poor pidgeons before actually slaying them in order to keep their blood kryogenically frozen in the event of a world ending apocolypse. Personally, I do not subscribe to this theory.
I have personally witnessed this mans utter intolerance for the life pidgeons. While eating a cheese and celery sandwich on my 8th floor balcony, I was able to catch a glimpse of the man-in-war setting booby-traps and dressing in drag while lighting fires to random garbage cans. It was quite a site. But this man is still on the loose, so if you see him, contact the heirs-of-ayers foundation for addtional assistance.