Willie Lump-Lumps {The Introduction}

Willie Lump-Lumps was a man who wore many faces and who assumed a number of different persona's throughout his life. Yet, each face and each persona always had identified parameters for beginning and ending. Often enough, one would gradually fade into the other or dry out before another began. These changes made Mr. Lump-Lumps a very difficult character to judge on a long term basis. While in the short term, it was often possible to grow accustomed to the habits of one persona only to see that comfort evaporate when fading or drying-out began. But, on this very day in question, on this long and arduous day of journeys and jaunts, the rivers seemed to collide, the stars aligned and what followed was a tale only to be told in whispers.

Willie awoke from a sonorous slumber to a strong and anxious feeling of excitement and wonder. He had no idea what he was so exited about or why in fact, he was so curious about his excitement. He could just feel the energy welling inside him. He sprang out of bed with a blast not seen since Chernobyl and went through his normal ritual of brushing his teeth with Crisco after shaving with his newly cleaned cheese-grader. Against the advice of all those who knew Willie, he preferred the sheen that the Crisco provided and the rough feel that the cheese-grader gave his face. Naturally, he had slept in his clothes, so there was no need to dress. He reached into his pockets and found a set of keys. He had no idea where these keys came from, but he was damn sure going to find out. He looked out the window and to his surprise a rush of memories filled his brain from the evening prior. Someone had loaned him a van so that he could transport some of his personal items. Now, that was neither here nor there, the van was his as far as he was concerned, so he made sure to mark it accordingly. He placed a couple of calls and then headed out, where, he did not know, he felt that fate would guide him. Like the Lump-Lump he is, there was only one place he could think of that would quench his thirst for global importance. The persona he assumed when he awoke, told him that he was to find the most important public figure he had ever heard of and meet with them. Donning his Sunday's best he was ready to find out where this trail would lead. At the moment, he was feeling like an uptight suburban professional. He convinced himself that those with whom he spoke could not see through his web of lies, that he believed, shielded his true identity and intentions.

Willie Lump-Lumps Sr. (his father) had spoken of a great man, a wise man, a man of character and moral nobility, Willie knew where this man was so he set out to Arkansas to find the Hog coach that his father had spoken of with such warm words. It didnt take long to find him. The truck stop in Osceola, AR offered a $2.99 all-you-can-eat buffet and Willy knew that in the great state of Arkansas, everybody that was anybody would be there for lunch. The thought of his fathers words rang loudly in his ears, "get in the click with the clickers" and thats exactly what he was gonna do. As Willy waded through the dangling fly paper in the entrance, he saw the man he had come to meet, huddled over a warm plate of chitterlings covered in beef gravy and the most savory corn that that delta mud could produce. Willy approached him and immediately jumped at the opportunity for a snap shot. Mr. Nutt, the leader of the Hogs, was somewhat taken aback by the portly and intimidating man who had interrupted his feast. The forced smile for the photo opp was about as uncomfortable a smile as the man had ever produced. At once, Willy made some off color, barley audible utterances and felt his entire mood begin to change. Without a second thought, Willy was heading toward the door and looking for a release. Meeting that man had been much more of a mental marathon than he had expected and his mind was exhausted. While walking toward the door with his head turned to keep his eye on Boss Hog (as Willy Sr had called him), he collided with a slim, red headed waitress that was carrying two huge vats of gravy with which she was going to restock the buffet. The steaming gravy was immediately pouring down his chest and into his pants before inching down his legs. At first it burned, but as the gravy cooled, the sensation grew into a somewhat erotic mix of mud wrestling and a hot oil massage. Before he knew it, an orgasmic expression had etched its way across his scabrous face. Instantly he felt the eyes of the entire truck stop fall on his unsightly expression brought upon by the thick gravy that was covering his body. Sheepishly, he rushed out the door and hopped into his van and made for the city.

Heading down I-55, he felt as if he were going to burst. He was covered in hot gravy and his clothes that he had been wearing for the last week were ruined. Earlier, he had noticed some clothes in the back of the van. He decided to make a stop at Luvs Tractor-Trailer Depot to change and get an ice cold 24oz can of Schlitz. He was only about 30 minutes outside the city so, he thought he would sit and gather himself before forging on. He pulled into the parking lot and shut off the engine. Peeling off the gravy stained button-down, only his white, sweat stained tank top kept him from exposing his bare chest. Raising his arms, he noticed a dried pool of gravy had formed in his arm pit. Taking the edge of his palm, he scraped it off and tasted it with a dab of his tongue (mmm...He thought), now realizing what brought so many people to that cozy little truck stop. Before cleaning the mess, he squeezed his hand into a fist and watched the beef stock ooze through the cracks of his fingers. Feeling a sudden rush of excitement, he slathered the gravy onto his face and under his eyes like a fresh coat of war paint. Snapping out of his daydream, he went into the Luv's rest room to wash-up and change his clothes, leaving the gravy under his eyes to dry. Hopping back into the van he peeled out of Luvs driveway, leaving burned rubber and a cloud of dust behind him. With his persona completely opposed the one he had awoken with, he headed to the nearest bar he could find. The 24oz Schlitz Blue Bull he had swallowed in a single gulp only left him feeling parched and eager to quench his thirst for booze. In his utter state of dementia, he had mistaken a bar for a church and stumbled into a wedding. However, as his mood would have it, he felt compelled to enter the Chapel. As he slithered through the doors, the chic and swanky setting had caught him off guard. He noticed a few people in the crowd that he thought he recognized, and then dismissed the thought as impossible.

As the ceremony ended, Willy left without a word to anyone. He needed a drink and he needed it bad. He found a bar close by and went in for a drink. After swilling down about 3 Long Island Iced Teas, he realized he might be in a gay bar. However, this did not bother him a bit. He approached the the first man he saw and asked him to dance. Before he knew what was happening, he had practically thrown himself at the first eligible man he saw. Of course, he was quickly rejected by the man and left the bar with his tail tucked firmly between his legs. Not only had he let his homosexual side be revealed for the first time in his life, but he had been rejected by the first man he approached.

Seeking to refresh his manishness, he walked across the street to a different bar and immediately began mauling the first woman he saw. She was caught off guard and was astonished at his bold approach. The shock was written all over her face as she searched for a way out of his grasp. With all her might she fought to keep her composure and succeeded in doing so for quite some time. She attempted any maneuver she could think of to escape this strange, gravy smelling, grease face, but if anything, this Willy was wily. Her moves were met with his counter-moves and her lies were met with his truths. She needed an plan and she needed one fast. Then, like a rock falling on her head, she was struck by the sight of a celebrity that had just strolled through the door. Just as Willy was reaching for her thigh, she swiftly spun out of his reach and into the arms of David Duchovney. She was certain that by some strange twist of fate, Mr. Duchovney had come in at just the right time to ensure her security from gravy-face. However, her attachment to the star did not deter Willy a single bit. In fact, he immediately warmed up to the celebrity. At first, Mr. Duchovney paid no attention to the man and thought only of the girl that had clung to him the minute his face appeared. But, he sensed her fear and played along with Willy's wily games for as long as time would permit.

As the girl continued to struggle with this overpowering manchild, Duchovney was perfectly at ease and even began enjoying himself at the girls expense. He was completely unaware of the fear that was beginning to consume her. He figured it was just an innocent game of cat and mouse. Her nervous smiles began to tell another story as Duchovney was only beginning to see. She was now having a terribly troublesome time escaping his hold on her. The gravy-face was stronger than she first imagined.

After revamping his strategy, Willy realized he had seen Mr. Duchovney at the wedding only hours ago. He sat at the bar alone pondering what in the world had led these two to the same wedding and same bar. At that very moment, he noticed the two slip out the back door together. Before he could give chase, they were gone into the night without a trace. Willy's over aggressivesive, yet flirty mood immediately spun into rage and he was determined to find the two. And when he did, things would not be pretty.

In a span of less than four hours, Willy's mood, persona, temperament had gone through 3 apparent changes. From uptight suburban professional, to curious homo, to ravenous hetro alpha male. And the night was not even half way over.

After tracking down Mr. Duchovney's car to a field party, he felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment at the find. Also, his mood had changed quite a bit and the alpha-male lady seeker was gone. He now just felt a surge of angst and hatred for ladies of all kind. As soon as he exited his vehicle, he bullrushed the first women he saw. By the force of the blow, she hit the ground immediately and he trounced on top of her. While her estranged ex-boyfriend looked on in delight, Willy began tearing at her nose with his teeth.

However, she packed more of a punch than Willy was expecting, and when she shot a headbutt straight at his face, he reeled. He tried standing up but, fell right down on his ass. David and the girl's ex looked on in stunned disbelief at the cage-match like events they had just witnessed. All the while, Willy never even noticed the furry sea otter that had attacked his hand while he was regaining his wits. It clamped down hard and gave him a fiery jolt that sent him wizzing around the field with a rambunctiousness unknown to mankind.

While thrashing around like a rabid, raped ape, the woman whom he had just mauled, regained consciousness and tried to seize her attacker. She spotted him lunging around the yard as if he were riding an imaginary bull. With one hand on a non-existant rope and one hand in the air, he bounced and frolicked around like he had overdosed on crystal meth. Seemingly, his uncontrollable spastic motions were too much for the girl to contend with and they wound up crashing head to head again. This time, both were knocked out cold.

I would be a few hours till Willy awoke alone, cold, naked, and wet from his own urine. Everyone was gone, even his noseless, headbutting counterpart. Even better he thought, his keys were gone and so was his van. Stumbling into the wilderness, a thought popped into his pounding head, "I need to settle down and get married". With that thought, he drifted into the woods and made camp by a small stream. Just a typical day in the life of Willy Lump Lumps.




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